old punks web zine

General Commentary, Part II
 
 

old punks web zine
 

Noam Chomsky is Gnome Crapsky
Stalinist, Sociopath, Dingleberry
Ha Ha Ha, Hee Hee HeeI'm the laughing gnome and you can't catch me

 The longest e-mails I get are from cult followers of cult personalities Ayn Rand (Nazi Uberman theory meets Darwinism and Nietzschean selfishness) and Gnome Crapsky (Stalinist Sociopath). At best I skim them because they're pretty much the same - long dissertations of ideology and hero worship, insults to my intelligence and challenges I defend my positions to their satisfaction -- as if that were possible. The goal isn't to debate anything since these people's beliefs consume their brains like burning tar. It's their way to make me waste valuable time typing just to tell me I'm wrong. I couldn't care less about defending my beliefs, especially to nihilistic ideologues. And if there's anything more I hate than ideologues, it's sociopaths. Combine the two and all I see is red, also the color of Gnome's ideology.

My favorite cultist argument is that I can't judge a putz like Gnome until I've read and fully understood everything he's written. The circular logic is that I can't have an opinion without knowing the facts, and if I don't agree once I do there's something wrong with me because the truth is obvious. It's the left-wing version of the bible thumper's who's-on-first routine of "It's true because it's in the bible, and it's in the bible because it's true". Believe you me, I've heard and read enough crap from Crapsky to know the man is a sack of crap.

For the last time - anarchy is a sad, unfunny joke. It's the most delusional fringe of socialism and an unfortunate lyric from Johnny Rotten, who specifically used the term to mean chaos and only chose it because it rhymed with "anti-Christ". Socialism is the well-intentioned face of Marxism, the worst failure-in-practice of any concept known to humanity, and Stalinism is the worst horrors of Marxism brought down on innocents. You can dance around all you want that anarchy dates back to the dawn of time and try to redeem it with references to the Paris Commune of 1871 and all other socialist endeavors anarchists claim as their own, but anarchy is at best a utopian daydream and at worst a rationalization and mechanism for genocide. Anarchists pollute the air defending anarchy as a peaceful movement, yet all you see from them is violence. Historically anarchists were kept at arms' length by socialists and utilized as idiot goon squads, as Hitler used the street thugs known as the Brown Shirts, whom he had killed in the "Night Of The Long Knives".

No, it's not W.C. Field's motherIt's hot Anarchick Emma Goldman

Gnome calls himself an anarcho-syndicalist but it's a fancy label he uses to deflect from his real ideology of stalinism, which he claims not to be, yet he enthusiastically approves and promotes its history, practitioners and ideology. You are what you are, not what you say you are. Gnome cares as much about racism, worker's rights, women's issues and the homeless as a rapist does foreplay. It's all part of the lie. Figures like Crapsky are easily defined by their words and actions, along with their friends and enemies, not the excuses and rationalizations they come up with once caught literally red-handed. 

Where I once thought of The Crapper as an intellectual coward and hypocrite, I now see him as a pathological liar and an apologist for every repressive butcher who sang "The Internationale". He goes way beyond equivalence in his arguments against capitalism and the United States. He denies transgressions on the part of communist butchers like Stalin, Pol Pot and Mao. Everything is the fault of the United States and its allies. Everything.

I'm sure Crap Sack pissed his pants in joy when the Twin Towers fell. Gnome doesn't present the other side of history as points of information or inducements for debate - it's a PR campaign for an agenda that's built on lies. Anarcho-syndicalism my ass. He's also a Jewish supporter of Holocaust Revisionism, of all things.

Gnome's followers, mostly belligerent, over-educated middle class white kids for whom conspiracy theories are currency of knowledge and therefore power and independence, take it to mean something that Gnome is a MIT Professor of Linguistics, his major work on theories of innate human language learning abilities. Does he teach or have time to teach anymore? This makes him as much of a scholar of political theory as the school janitor, but for arguments' sake let's assume his expertise is based on an insightful mastery of the logic of language, as if Gnome's qualified to know a lie when he hears one. That might work, except he's one of the most ideological, hypocritical, shrill, sound bite spewing, droning and uncivil people to ever walk the earth.

The documentary Manufacturing Consent is great if you want to see how ineffective Gnome is as a thinker and speaker, and how he consistently makes a negative impression on neutral parties in the news business. He's called to be on talk shows but is so unprofessional and unpleasant he's not asked back. The film makes this out to be proof the strength of his words threatens the powers that be, but it's obvious he’s just a horrible guest. I love the scene where William F. Buckley warns Craps he'd better follow standard rules of civilized debate or he'll personally get up and kick his ass. Buckley's saying all this with a smile through clenched teeth, which meant he really, really wants to do it. I laugh every time I think about it.

There's now a bunch of anti-Crapsky material on the internet to balance the blind dogma his followers have been posting for years. The best can be found at David Horowitz's site: http://www.frontpagemag.com and Diary Of An Anti-Chomskyite: http://antichomsky.blogspot.com

What I hate most about Gnome is not that he's a variant of a communist. To call yourself a communist when not even communists want to be communists anymore is just odd. It's that he's a sociopath willing to lead children and dangerous cretins down roads of negativity and destruction for an ideology that's proven over and over again to fail on genocidal scales. He does it by knowingly telling half truths and total lies, by denying slaughters committed in the name of the ideology he pushes, and by ramming self-hating dogma down the throats of young minds to create instability for its own sake. Anarchists are the Oompa-Loompas, and its promises are The Everlasting Gobstopper. The horrible truth is that Loompaland is filled with horrible Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids.

If you hate conservatism the answer is not "Mao more than ever" under the guise of love, peace and anarchy. When someone presents you with an ideology that claims to have all the answers, run. You can be the world's most devout liberal and still hate Gnome Crapsky for being worse than dead on the inside.

Jeffrey Hyman is Joey Ramone

I hated The Ramones when my best friend played Ramones for me in 1976. I was fifteen and listening to Bowie, The Who, the Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull, ELP, Yes and Traffic. I still like these bands, and thankfully Joey never stopped loving the music he grew up with. I vividly remember thinking "Beat On The Brat" had to be the worst song ever. I still don't like the lyrics to that one but I own everything they've put out, and most of the bands I listen to today owe their milk and cookie money to four psychopaths from Queens.

The Ramones weren't a loving yet dysfunctional family sharing wacky adventures. It was their job and all they were qualified to do, horribly at first but better as the enterprise moved along. Joey and Johnny rode for days in the van and barely spoke to each other, or they'd arrive at shows separately and avoid each other. Dee Dee fantasized cutting people. Marky presented a physical threat and periodically went bonkers. Johnny threw televisions off apartment roofs for laughs, so you know he's nuts. Joey was bi-polar and obsessive-compulsive and he never forgave a slight, real or imagined. He was no angel but he was the likable one, the shy one, the Ramone with brains and wit who readily gave interviews and was the least likely to piss in your soda backstage. In a world of relativity, Joey was a saint.

The jeans, sneakers and leather jackets were uniforms, and Dee Dee hated wearing them. Joey previously played in a glam band. He was 6' 6" tall and if he weighed more than 150 lbs I'll give you a dollar. He had the face of a lizard or a bird. I read somewhere he was legally blind.

There's a big disagreement as to who wrote what Ramones song. Dee Dee claims credits were stolen from him. It's also a major probability only Joey participated in the Phil Spector-produced End Of The Century. I was hoping Joey would one day write a book on the Ramones. Not that it wouldn't be slanted, but he was the most introspective of the bunch.

The Ramones were the first modern punk band. Their sound was totally new in 1974, compared to the easily drawn lines of Television, Blondie and (especially) The New York Dolls. It took years for people to understand how The Ramones and The Bay City Rollers could have a mutual appreciation society going. It took me decades. "Blitzkrieg Bop" was the speed metal of its day. Now it's so safe and poppy you hear it in commercials and at sporting events.

If you don't acknowledge the first three Ramones albums as classics you cannot be considered punk. Sorry. If you do not consider the Ramones to be the most influential punk band of all time you don't know much beyond your own opinion. You don't have to love or even like the Ramones. To be taken seriously you do have to acknowledge their importance.

Joey's dead, but nothing died with him. My illusions of immortality died long ago. People get old, sick or hit by a bus, and they die. There's nothing symbolic, poetic or tragic about it. I'm pleased to see the many respectful appreciations that appeared in newspapers, magazines and television programs. Dee Dee was interviewed and it finally hit him there can never be a Ramones reunion, something his bizarre mind ached for. Poor shmuck. And poor Marky, who drummed for the Ramones for many years but was passed over in the press in favor of Tommy, who stayed on for only as long as it took to replace him.

 God Hates Everyone, Especially You

Rev. Fred Phelps Plays You And The Media For Fools

"God Hates Fags" reads the most infamous of Rev. Fred Phelps' sound-bite placards. He and members of his small Topeka, Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church crisscross the country, like hippies for Dead shows, in search of press coverage and confrontational street theatre . Phelps' niche, that he scratches in the marketplace of religious intolerance, is gay bashing, which he does with foam in his mouth and a playful twinkle in his eye. He tosses out the insult "Fag" like he's working on commission, and when he free-associates insults like "Jezebellian switch-hitting whore" it's hard not to laugh out loud at the sporadic cleverness of such a tiny mind. He's protested the funeral of Matthew Shepard (Phelps' poster child for hate), Barry Goldwater, Sonny Bono, Al Gore Sr. (because his son "sold his soul to the fag agenda") and even Bill Clinton's mother. He's planning on going over to Helsinki to protest Finland's "Dyke President". Anywhere there's a church, a college or a used car dealership that doesn't hate gays like he does, Phelps will be there to scream at passersby and pose for pictures.

Phelps preaches his gospel on the radio and has ties with religious and militia loons, but he bars his followers from hoarding guns and seems perfectly happy limiting himself to sign-waving and name-calling. In an era of internet-posted death warrants and daycare center slaughter, the Rev. comes across more like Ernest T. Bass than Timothy McVeigh. This could all change for the worse since Phelps' battles with the authorities might come to a head and push him over whatever tiny edge of sanity he might have left.

Phelps' church is small and surrounded by a chain link fence. His flock consists mostly of his own large and mostly obese family, eleven of his children being lawyers. Phelps Sr. was disbarred years ago for bullying, cheating his clients and doing the things that make you an embarrassment even in the legal community. One anti-Phelps web site says "All of his children still attached to him are angry, grossly obese, obsessive-compulsive freaks with law degrees who misuse their law degrees to bully and intimidate the local populace into tolerating their illegal conduct. There is NOTHING they won't do to further their goals: vandalism, covert surveillance, harassing phone calls, anonymous threats, etc. and they indeed have intimidated many in Topeka. They have bought off a few politicians who were able to keep them from being arrested for three years until the scheme was investigated by the sheriff and exposed. The chief of police resigned in disgrace because he's order Topeka police not to arrest the Phelpses even if they observed illegal conduct."

Fred Phelps' demon seeds are a product of his own personal failings. As is the maddening irony of such cases, some of his children have left the family and outed their father as a violent, incestuous monster. To quote one source, "Nate Phelps and Mark Phelps have both confirmed that as children their father sexually abused them and other family members, including forcing his young daughters Doratha and Katherine to perform sexual intercourse with him.” Nice.

Freddy's web site is called, you guessed it, http://www.godhatesfags.com. It's worth a visit. Like anarchists, Fred flies the American flag upside down - in his case because "God Hates America". Fred’s a democrat, by the way. The Q&A section addresses every possible query (had to use that word!) directed towards his so-called ministry. In answer to "Why do you preach hate?" Phelps responds, "Because the Bible preaches hate. For every one verse about God's mercy, love, compassion, etc., there are two verses about His vengeance, hatred, wrath, etc. The maudlin, kissy-pooh, feel-good, touchy-feely preachers of today's society are damning this nation and this world to hell." 

The bible is filled with hate, that's true, but it's also filled with love and indifference. I'm agnostic myself, and one thing I've noticed is that the idea of God is both a mirror and a cube of tofu. It reflects whatever it is you see in yourself and it takes on whatever flavors you add to it. In reality, your view of God, what God intends and what God wants you to do is a rorschach test of your own capacity for good and evil. God is a rationalization for blind hate and a motivation for good deeds. How Rev. Phelps arrived to his views is anyone's guess. Why he chose gays over The Illuminati could be a result of something in his own life, or it could be a random fixation. Sociopaths are hard to pin down.

It's a waste of time to argue with zeros like Phelps. They live for your hate - it validates their whole existence. It's like beating masochists to get them to stop getting off on pain. There's no logic you can introduce into their tiny minds that will convince them they're wrong. It's best to avoid them entirely, since what they want most is attention, which they won't get without confrontation. If God is as hateful a being as Phelps makes him out to be, who the hell would want to go to Heaven.... 

Tinky Winky's Purple Dinky

(Avoiding The Obvious For The Obvious Reason)

 Rev. Jerry Falwell, 80’s-era right-wing religious icon, outed the Teletubbies' Tinky Winky, a 90’s-era gay icon, as a subtlety depicted homosexual character. Says the man with the big, insincere smile, “He is purple — the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay-pride symbol" (he also carries a purse - uh, his "magic bag"). A spokeshuman for the show's creator scoffs at Jerry's assertions with the brush-off “It’s a children’s show, folks. To think we would be putting sexual innuendo in a children’s show is kind of outlandish”. Both sides are playing a delicate word game in the marketplace of public opinion.

Tinky Winky is obviously a gay-inspired character, but not gay as in cruising bars. You'd have to be the "duh" in dumb not to see it. I'm sure the person who designed the character is gay. Big deal. Without Gays, Jews and Blacks popular culture wouldn't extend far beyond the Emergency Broadcast Signal. Two year olds, the targeted audience for the Teletubbies, couldn’t care less if Tinky spends his off-hours in Glory Hole Heaven. All they really know is eating, pooping, yelling "No!" and grabbing things. The rest is gravy. The show has a few more followings: as brain candy for drugged ravers and as a cultural icon for gays who enjoy seeing their symbol on display. Is Jerry concerned for the kids or does he just hates seeing gay culture in any other context than shame and resentment?

Can Tinky Winky turn pre-schoolers gay? Who the hell knows? I do know is that when a putz like Falwell brings up the issue it's time to circle the wagons and innocently say "we have NO idea what you're talking about, Jerry". You can't say "yeah but what's the big deal?" to fanatics who quote bible scripture as law and think God himself has given them the right do whatever they want in His name. That's why people who know better pretend Tinky lacks all sexual context.

Falwell is a tough opponent because he knows the media better than anyone in his field. He put out his article and then clammed up. He knows that if he goes on talk shows to debate the other side he'll come across as a crank. What he said about Tinky being a gay icon is true. The fears and hatreds behind his statements are the problem. You can't give these guys an inch because they’ll never stop if they get a taste of blood.

Is Tinky Winky gay? I guess the correct answer is "who's asking?" 

(As a joke and experiment I wrote this when Alanis Morissette was at the peak of her popularity. I wanted to see how her fans might react. I was inspired by a news photo of her where her hair looked oily. I personally never had an opinion either way about her. I contacted a few Morrissette fan sites and pasted this article as an example of a negative article. I received a few e-mails and for the most part people were decently human about it.)

Alanis' Greasy Mop

I don't listen to music on the radio and I avoid MTV like it has cooties, so I have no clue what Alanis Morissette sounds like. She did something called "Little Jagged Pill" so I've been working my room like a lounge singer belting out "Jagged little pill, yeah! Oh it'll cut you, whoa, that jagged little pill, hey!" The few pictures I've seen of her made me laugh because she affects a snide little smile and her hair is flat and greasy. Even I know she was a child star on Canadian TV, so I have to call a time out a call this poser a poser.

So, what's the deal, does she bath and then comb in deep fryer squeezins, or does she not bathe and smells like a Rasta? Either way she's put the stoop in stupid. Why pretend you're lacking basic hygiene skills? Does this somehow represent individuality to fourteen year old girls? Does the future of the record industry rest on Morissette's ability to make millions of teenage girls look at her picture and say, "Oh, she's such an individual. I want to look and be exactly like her". Hope you caught the irony in that. Gen X is the first generation of kids to have both nihilism and apathy sold to them in one package, at three times the price, by corporate America. Another truth - no advertised product can make you an individual.

So, I'm reading up on Goo Gal and it seems Alanis has always been rich, famous, popular and sported hair big enough to make Southern Trailer Park Queens foam with envy. Then all of a sudden she decides to become a serious artist and be the exact opposite of what she was before. Now she's broody, greasy, moany, ironic, and all those other traits that upset mommy and daddy, and make them worry you may no longer be their little girl. It’s about as dangerous as a marshmallow switchblade.

Alanis is signed to Madonna's record label. That's another one who all of a sudden stopped washing her hair and stopped smiling. It’s crusty Top-40. I never thought I'd live long enough to see the day….

Bruce Lee and the Martial Arts

 July 20th was the 25th anniversary of Bruce Lee’s death. He was 32 years old. Of all the popular martial artists he was probably, by weight, the fastest and strongest. Was he the best? Martial arts die-hards often say no. Grappler, stuntman and actor Gene LaBell said he could get Bruce in a bear hug at will. As one of the toughest men alive I wouldn’t doubt it. I also heard Chuck Norris defeated Bruce. Still, Bruce Lee is the world’s best known martial artist and his contribution to martial arts in both cinema and practice is unparalleled.

Conspiracy theories abound that Bruce was either killed with Dim Mak (The Death Touch) or by poison because he taught Kung Fu to non-Asians. There’s a lot of huckstering in the martial arts, but it might be possible. There surely was a motive and a list of possible suspects.

The choreography of Lee's films was a revelation at the time but it hasn’t aged well compared to what you’ll find in the best of Jackie Chan's work (see Drunken Master). Maybe I’m comparing apples and oranges. A really great Thai movie I recently discovered is called Ong Bak: Muy Thai Warrior. Holy crow you have to see that one!

Bruce took his street fighting Kung-Fu, charisma, good looks and cultural pride to the screen and fans went crazy, consistently smashing box office records in Hong Kong and throughout Asia. More than his fighting skills, Bruce's depiction of the Chinese as strong made him a national hero. Even in the 1970s China was suffering the indignation of a country historically ruled by foreigners. The Japanese were historically the worst offenders. On film, when Bruce defeated an entire Karate dojo and yelled "The Chinese are not weak men!" he addressed the resentment and anger of an entire nation, and for this his legend extends beyond mere movie stardom. It’s said that when Bruce delivered this line Chinese audiences would scream, cheer, cry and applaud like thunder.

Bruce first learned Tai Chi then moved to Wing Chun. As a former teenage Hong Kong gang member (many kids joined such groups), Bruce was more interested in the street fighting aspects of martial arts. He learned what he could from all forms of martial arts literature and practitioners, all with an eye toward developing the best street fighting skills. He was fascinated by boxing and Muhammad Ali in particular. Bruce's own style, Jeet Kune Do, was always a work in progress and never intended to be fully defined like other, more traditional styles. According to Bruce each person should practice their own version of Jeet Kune Do based on body type, speed and personality. The philosophy is to keep what is useful and discard what is not, which means it's OK to add any move from any art as long as you can do it well and it flows well with the rest of your moves.

Which martial art is best for you? Are you fast, slow, large, small, aggressive, peaceful? How often do you want to train? How often can you train? Do you want a traditional style with rituals and beauty or are you looking for easy to learn practical skills? Do you want to compete? Answer these questions truthfully, find out what's offered in your area and choose the best fit. Choose a martial art in the same way you would a career.

What's the deadliest, most practical, most effective martial art? It all depends on the teacher, the philosophy of the teacher's teacher and once again the type of person you are. "Offensive" and "Defensive" are relative terms that can mean the same thing. When determining the best martial art, the question is not if Master A can beat up Master B. It's if the same person were to take both styles, which would be the best in a fight.

Everyone should learn some kind of self-defense for the exercise, skills and confidence it provides. Little kids love martial arts and they both perform better in school and are easier to handle at home. Women learning self-defense first have to get over their revulsion to inflicting gross bodily harm. When a 225 lb. cretin is attacking you your best chance may be to put a finger into his eye as deep as it will go. All's fair when your life is on the line.

Believe it or not, martial arts training has been used to effectively treat people with anger issues. Through martial arts they learn self-control, and after being tossed around by their teachers many realize they're not so tough after all.

For the first few months I think traditional martial arts training actually makes you a worse fighter. When you first learn specific actions and reactions you lose some natural fighting instincts, causing you to hold back and think too much. With training and internalization of moves your skill level rises and you do become a better fighter.

If you don't or can’t join a school, buy a long, heavy punching bag and teach yourself boxing and kick-boxing. The heavy bag is a great, self-correcting training device, and it never lies. You know when a punch, kick, knee or elbow doesn't work if the hit is weak. You'll also find your best shots on a heavy bag. Learn combinations and add whatever you like - as long as it works. That's what Bruce Lee taught.

Bruce ‘s fame is at this point eternal, and one fan recently shared this memory with the LA Times of the day, as a ten year old child, he learned of Bruce Lee's death, "I still remember a typhoon was raging over Hong Kong. At that point, the rain was really pouring down. I ran through the streets with the paper opened in front of me. By the time I reached home, everything - my clothes, my shoes, the paper - was soaked. But I could not tell if it was the rain or my tears."

 The Skinny on Jackie Chan

Everybody likes Jackie Chan, and you're probably a prick if you don't. Critics point out weaknesses in his films but they love Jackie Chan. He’s compared to Gene Kelly and Buster Keaton, and rightly so. Martial artists love what Jackie’s done for their reputation. The biggest action movie stars, from Stallone to Seagal, all respect Jackie and are big fans. Stunt people think he's crazy. Talk show audiences love him. Kids, geezers, kittens, rocks, trees - everybody likes Jackie Chan.

It's nice to see Jackie succeeding in the United States, even if the films don’t compare to his earlier work. Hollywood has tried to break Jackie since 1980 but the films were either underdeveloped (The Big Brawl), silly (Cannonball Run) or misguided attempts to change Jackie's persona (The Protector). Finally in 1996 the time was right for Jackie Chan. Why? Partly because people needed a break from stone-faced heroes like Arnold and Sly. Jackie is a pleasant Everyman who hurts his hand when he hits too hard. He uses his wits to even the odds when the going gets tough. And, he doesn't win every fight. Jackie runs from trouble and only fights when he has to.

Also on Jackie's side is the ongoing hipster love for Asian anime and action films. John Woo's The Killer, and the mind-bending Akira, offer the style, pacing and ultra-violence required in this America of Mortal Kombat and MTV. It’s cool to like Jackie but you'd have to be brain-dead not to appreciate the timing, danger, grace, humor and humanity found in a Jackie Chan film.

"Who would win in a fight - Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan?" Otherwise intelligent people ask this all the time, but it’s a silly question. It's all conjecture, but no one in the martial arts, especially Jackie Chan, would ever suggest Jackie would win. Bruce was foremost a street fighter. He fashioned his own style of martial arts (Jeet Kune Do) on the premise that any tactic is good as long as it helps win a fight as quickly as possible. Bruce's foot and hand speed were inhuman. He actually had to slow down his movements so the camera could catch the action.

Jackie Chan is an actor trained in the Peking Opera, involving years of torturous training in acrobatics and martial arts, along with acting, singing, mime and dance. Jackie's moves are tailored for performance. The moves Bruce used in his films were not ones he used while sparring or taught to his students. This is not to say Jackie is not a great fighter. The Opera trained him in a number of styles under sadistic conditions.

Jackie is a master of all weapons. By simply handling an object he knows how it balances and moves. Martial arts weapons all involve circular motion, leverage, balance and an almost spiritual understanding of how the weapon moves and reacts when it hits. Jackie's use of props like ladders and benches are a highlight of his films, and they’re accessible to viwers turned off by weapons.

Benny "The Jet" Urquidez may have been the best tournament fighter, and maybe most ring champions can defeat Jackie Chan in a fight, but nobody, not Benny, not Bruce, and not your martial arts teacher, would even think of attempting Jackie’s stunt work. If fearlessness is toughness Jackie Chan is the toughest man in martial arts. Closing credits for all recent Jackie Chan films show out-takes of stunts gone horribly wrong, the worst when he fell about twenty feet onto his head, requiring brain surgery and resulting in partial hearing loss and a permanent hole in his skull.  

Elvis Is Dead !!

"In August of 77, Elvis met his fate, but he couldn't get into heaven, ‘cause he couldn't fit through the gate"

- "Elvis Is Dead" by Peter and the Test Tube Babies

(I’ve softened my strong anti-Elvis opinions over the years. Why I was so worked up over him in the first place is a bit of a mystery to me now, probably due to a youthful musical belligerence I eventually outgrew)

Exactly 20 years ago today, August 16, 1977, Elvis Aaron Presley, "The King", died on his toilet throne, built on a pedestal as befitting a king. If still alive he would be 62. Elvis didn't invent rock and roll – but he and his band combined country, gospel and black music to popularize a sound and look white folks called their own. He didn’t write his own music, and songwriting credits to Elvis were a condition of sale to songwriters. If Elvis were black he would never have stopped driving a truck for a living.

What was Elvis like? He loved his mother (he refused to have sex with a woman if he knew she had once given birth), liked his banana sandwiches fried, preferred his girls young, and was polite to a fault. At times he was so dependent on medications he took pills to go to the bathroom and pills to stop going to the bathroom. Elvis wasn’t dumb, but in certain ways he was backwoods simple. He's a perfect example of what too much money, fame and Yes Men can do to anyone, especially a country boy like Elvis who looked to others for guidance and confirmation.

The only villain in the Elvis story is Colonel Tom Parker, a pupil of the P.T. Barnum school of there's a sucker born every minute. Parker took a 50% commission straight off the top and set up companies under his own control to handle Elvis' affairs, so he could collect even more. He cared as much about Elvis as he did the dancing chickens he once put on hot plates at circus shows. The Colonel forced Elvis into the draft to teach him a lesson about control, and never let him tour overseas because he was afraid he (Parker) wouldn't be allowed back in the country due to his illegal alien status. The Colonel was Dutch and he wasn't a Colonel.

I was never an Elvis fan. I know his songs through the radio and the Resident's album Cube-E, which has an elderly, cancer-throated Elvis impersonator singing Elvis tunes as part of a larger parable on the "Baby King". In typical Resident's fashion, they deconstruct Elvis and reassemble weirdness. That's how I choose to remember Elvis - as a weird chapter of Americana.

Is Elvis still alive? How the hell do I know?! He's worth more dead than he was alive. He wasted his money on cars, planes, drugs, tractors, home, gifts and more drugs. Like the old punk song goes, "Who knows, who cares, why bother?"

The Elvis tell-all books make for great reading because Elvis' story is purely American - poor, simple farm boy does good through music and charisma, achieves fame and fortune beyond his wildest dreams, and then wastes it in glorious displays of self-destruction and stupidity. If you’re a leftist it's the American Dream and the American Reality all in one! The best of these books were written by former members of the Memphis Mafia. They grew up with Elvis and still love him even though he at times treated them like wage-slaves.

The latest Elvis-culture trend is to analyze how his fans worship Elvis The King as a Christ figure. While not supplanting Jesus in Christianity, Elvis is seen as a messenger of love from God and on a lesser level a messiah. A few Elvis churches have sprung up in the south, but I doubt this trend will carry on with any force after his aging fan-base passes on. Elvis People: The Cult Of The King, by Ted Harrison, came out in 1992, is a poorly written book on the subject. Find other sources if you want to read more about Elvis as the next Sun Myung Moon (God alive as Man in our own time). 

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